Can Parents Alternate Digital Check-Ins on Non-Custody Days?

In co-parenting arrangements, especially when parents share custody but don’t have the child on the same days, maintaining regular communication is essential. Digital check-ins, where parents connect with the child via phone, video calls, or text messages on non-custody days, can help ensure that the child remains emotionally connected to both parents. A custody agreement could stipulate that parents alternate responsibility for these check-ins, ensuring that both parents stay actively involved in their child’s daily life and well-being, even when they don’t have physical custody of the child.

Importance of Digital Check-Ins on Non-Custody Days

• Maintaining Emotional Connection

Children thrive on consistent emotional support, and regular check-ins provide them with a sense of security and stability. Alternating digital check-ins allows both parents to stay emotionally connected to the child, reducing feelings of abandonment or neglect.

For example, a child might miss one parent on a non-custody day, and a quick video call or text message can help maintain that connection, offering comfort and reassurance that both parents are actively involved in their life.

• Co-Parenting Communication

Communication between parents is key to successful co-parenting. Alternating digital check-ins on non-custody days allows both parents to stay informed about their child’s emotional well-being, activities, or any issues that may arise. This ensures that both parents can share responsibility for staying updated and engaged, even when they aren’t physically with the child.

For instance, if the child has a school event or a social activity that day, alternating check-ins help both parents feel involved and informed. The parent who doesn’t have physical custody can still show interest and support by engaging in the child’s activities through a digital conversation.

• Promoting Consistency in Routine

Establishing regular check-ins helps create a consistent routine for the child, which can reduce anxiety and provide a sense of normalcy. When children know they can expect to speak to both parents on alternating days, it reinforces a sense of stability, even if they aren’t spending the day with that parent.

This consistency is especially important for younger children, who may have a stronger need for predictable patterns in their daily life.

• Improving Co-Parenting Dynamics

Alternating check-ins encourages shared responsibility in parenting, even when parents don’t have custody. By equally sharing the task of keeping in touch with the child, both parents demonstrate cooperation and a willingness to be actively involved, which strengthens their co-parenting relationship.

It can also prevent the situation where one parent feels left out or disconnected from the child’s life, especially on non-custody days.

• Monitoring the Child’s Well-Being

Regular check-ins give both parents the opportunity to monitor how the child is feeling, ensure they are being well cared for, and address any issues that may arise, such as the child feeling unwell or upset.

By alternating check-ins, both parents can assess how the child is handling transitions between homes, which is especially crucial in situations where there may be difficulty adjusting to the separation or to new routines.

How a Custody Agreement Can Mandate Alternating Digital Check-Ins

• Set Schedule for Digital Check-Ins
  The custody agreement could establish a set schedule for digital check-ins, specifying that one parent is responsible for checking in on specific days (for example, every Tuesday and Thursday), while the other parent handles other days (like Monday, Wednesday, and Friday). The schedule would rotate or alternate, allowing both parents to stay involved while ensuring that the child has regular communication with each parent.
• Clear Guidelines for Communication
  The agreement should clearly define what constitutes an appropriate digital check-in. This could include parameters such as:
  • Minimum time for communication (e.g., 10-15 minutes for a video or phone call)
  • Platform for communication (e.g., video call, phone call, text)
  • Frequency of check-ins (e.g., once per day, every other day)
  • Content of check-ins (discussing how the child’s day went, schoolwork, emotional status, etc.)
• Flexibility for Emergencies or Unforeseen Circumstances
  There should be flexibility in the agreement to allow for changes due to emergencies, travel, or other unforeseen circumstances. If one parent cannot perform a digital check-in on their assigned day, they should inform the other parent in advance and arrange a make-up check-in or adjust the schedule accordingly.
• Backup Plan for Missed Check-Ins
  In case one parent misses a digital check-in (due to work commitments, illness, etc.), the agreement can specify a backup plan. This might involve rescheduling the check-in for a later time or having the other parent initiate the check-in. Having a backup plan ensures that no check-in is missed, and both parents remain involved in their child’s life.
• Monitoring Comfort Level
  After a few weeks, the parents can assess how their child is responding to the digital check-ins. If the child seems overwhelmed or distressed, the parents may agree to shorten the calls or adjust the schedule as necessary.

Potential Concerns and Limitations

• Parenting Differences
  Some parents may have different approaches to how they communicate with their child, and the other parent may feel that a particular parent’s approach to digital check-ins isn’t in the child’s best interest. For example, one parent may prioritize longer conversations, while the other may have shorter interactions.
• Child’s Preference and Comfort
  Some children may not always be comfortable with digital check-ins, especially if they are younger or have difficulty understanding the reason for the check-ins. Parents should be prepared to adjust the format or length of the check-ins to accommodate the child’s comfort level.
• Privacy and Boundaries
  Ensuring that the check-ins are done in a way that respects the child’s privacy and the other parent’s boundaries is important. For example, one parent may want to ensure the child has some private time or that the check-in happens when the child is in a comfortable space (e.g., their bedroom or after a routine).

Example

Scenario:
A divorced couple shares custody of their 8-year-old son. The mother has him on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, while the father has him on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Both parents are committed to staying connected with their son even on the days they don’t have custody.

• Steps they can take:
  • Set Schedule for Digital Check-Ins:
    The custody agreement specifies that the mother will handle the digital check-ins on Mondays and Wednesdays, while the father will take responsibility on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On weekends, they alternate check-ins as needed, depending on their schedules.
  • Platform and Content of Check-Ins:
    The parents agree that the check-ins will be via video calls, lasting 10-15 minutes, and will focus on how their son’s day went, his emotional state, and anything he might need help with.
  • Backup Plan for Missed Check-Ins:
    If either parent cannot make the check-in due to work or other commitments, they will notify the other parent and reschedule or allow the other parent to initiate a check-in.
  • Monitoring Comfort Level:
    After a few weeks, the parents assess how their son is responding to the digital check-ins. If he seems overwhelmed, they agree to shorten the calls or adjust the schedule as necessary.

Conclusion

Alternating digital check-ins on non-custody days can be a useful tool in co-parenting arrangements, ensuring that both parents maintain consistent communication and emotional involvement in their child’s life. By specifying these check-ins in a custody agreement, parents can help foster a sense of stability and connection for the child, even when they’re not physically present in the same home. The flexibility and consistency of this arrangement can be beneficial for both the child’s emotional health and the parents’ relationship.